Typing

There is something about typing at an audition that I find both logically obvious and humanly evil.

Today was my third experience with typing. The first two times, I was typed in.

Not so much this time around.

Now the one part of me thinks typing makes sense. Why waste anyone's time and spend endless hours in a room listening to song after song if you go after the looks you need and pick from that pile. I get it. I agree with it.

The Rousseaian part of me finds it heinous. I am standing in a line - being looked over like a vintage lamp at a swap meet - thinking: This must be what it is like at a bunny ranch. And it feels worse when they look at you twice, whisper something, and then put you in the "no" pile. This, of course, sends an actor's mind reeling to all corners in translating what that must mean. What our imaginations conjure up as that whispered 3-second conversation is probably nowhere near the reality of what is being said.

But, I would rather be rejected on my looks than on my talent. I can't control the former, and can the latter - albeit to a degree.

But you don't feel too chipper when you ride down an elevator with the other no's and someone chimes in with: Well, this is an elevator full of fail.

And I am back to feeling like a non-eq, trying to keep my sense of humor and keeping in mind that this is just one of many and that the recent good stuff far outweighs today.

And then I return to the paranoia of needing to make sure the CDs, especially at this agency, like me and remember me positively (I get an inkling that they are not fans of me at all - could be self-layered paranoia, but could also be reality).

My second audition was cancelled two hours before my time and under ominous tones. An inquiry I made went unanswered, which of course made me go right to the most negatuve imagined reason instead of what could simply have been a lack of time and not some pre-conceived judgement about me (especially when I have never met this group of people ever).

And people wonder why actors are in therapy and medicated.

Once I mentally slap myself and kick my psychological super ego into drive, I'll get over it and be back in the same place of just pushing forward and only being able to do what I can and be who I am.