What a Feeling....

There are days when the emotional stress/turmoil of being an actor can way too heavily, especially when it comes off of something so seemingly simple.

There are very few times when I get so excited about an audition for a show that I get the sweats and the twitters. I usually go in with an open mind to have fun and do my best and not worry about having to get the job or lose out on it. I just want to be in the room and have a moment and hope that my work and presence are what the casting and creative team are looking for. To get crazy and worked up as if my life depended on it is moot for me only insomuch as it is not something I can really control. This is not to say that I don't want to book the jobs I go in for because I do. I don't go to auditions JUST to have fun. The ultimate goal is to get the role. But since I don't control decisions I can only influence them with the work I present.

BUT once in a while I do get rabid about wanting to do a project I feel very strongly about. Betrayed was one of them and even though I felt I had bombed the callback, I was fortunate enough to be cast.

Yesterday was another of those moments, but one I do not think is going to end in my being cast because I felt like a complete and utter dweeby neophyte in the room. I wasn't really nervous and I wasn't really calm, and I could blame my uneasiness on 3 hours of a Meisner class wherein I lost my shit and was rattled, but that would be making excuses.

This show...I REALLY want. And some people think I am stupid for that because they see the show as fluffy and too screwball-y, and at first glance, sure, I can understand that. But the show is witty, smart, hilarious and totally pokes fun at people, celebrities and media-obsessed people. And because I am such a pop-culture enthusiast and am always amazed by the inane things people get obsessed with, I want to do the show. The part is silly and fun (and a musical one to boot) and one I know I could do in my sleep.

But I somehow managed to screw up one note in my song (an easy one that I could also do in my sleep with strep throat) and that was the death knell. I didn't think the scene I read went all that bad, but I didn't think it landed as hard as I wanted it to.

After it was done, I went out to sit in the hallway and just stayed there for a bit because I wanted to kick myself in the head.

Now, I could be beating myself up over nothing, but this one, I want. Badly. Not only because of the people involved (from cast to creative), but also because of the opportunity to do something so wildly different and fun. I have been in a daze for the last 48 hours doing what no actor should ever do: replaying the audition in my head and analyzing what went wrong and why. This, my friends, is no good for the actor's psyche.

It is also one of those moments where my mantra of "Whatever is meant to be will be," is taking a huge backseat to my "You are such a moron. How could you screw that up?" mantra.

It's depressing. I can only hope that somehow, I managed to do something that caught their eye (positively) and that I am just beating myself up for no reason. The universal actor's trail is lined with stories by celebrities and those in the upper echelons who have lost out on amazing roles in great shows, and something always comes along to soothe that. But right now, that is providing zero comfort for me.

I need to be slapped.